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Ovid’'s Cures for Lovesickness: Roman Medicine


By Saint Valentine, Love Doctor, MD, PhD. 



Note: The following is a satire and should not be taken seriously.


Ovid is one of the most famous poets of the Roman Empire, known for his series of poems The Metamorphoses. Less famously, he also wrote Remedia Amoris to describe various “cures” for love. This is a brief article that dissects some of them in a (hopefully) humorous manner. 


  1. Ovid says: AVOID Italian Onions

Personally, I have never seen an Italian onion in my life, and they look quite delightful. I can’t imagine how this could be either good or bad for curing lovesickness, but if the Roman man wants to tell me so, I suppose it’s worth a shot. Like the several grams of protein powder I consume on a daily basis, I am quite used to taking large amounts of substances that may be bad for me in excess. 


  1. Ovid says: Rue (and I try to be as low-key as possible to Google what that even means. They are plants.) 

A rather pleasant-looking plant that brings to mind the goldenrod around Western and Northern Ontario: Perhaps that can be used as a substitute. I do not want to ingest a plant, however, unless it comes in a rather properly-packaged powder. Like protein. I wish I had more jokes to say about protein, but this saint can often run out of ideas rather quickly. Do tell me if you have more, would you? 


  1. Ovid says: Wine

He means it in moderation, of course, but I cannot picture a worse idea. Does he realize that his work will be read by a group of college and university students? Does he realize that alcohol and lovesickness may not be the best combination, in this group? One will never know.


  1. Ovid says: AVOID Witchcraft

Ovid forgets that: A) Witchcraft is fun, and B) I want to do it. There you go. All the justification you need. 


  1. Ovid says: Hobbies

Probably the most relevant of his suggestions, he suggests filling up time with other hobbies. Very, very, normal hobbies. Such as hunting, farming, or perhaps a little bit of… Murder (framed as “warcraft”). The third of these options is very tempting to a modern reader, but should not be taken literally, lest you be sent to court. Witchcraft may be enjoyable, but warcraft will likely not be. Please do not mix up the two. On another note: I have no patience for carpentry. I fear I have dispensed most of my hobbies on the route to becoming a full-fledged doctor, and now am left with very few things to distract me. This is fine and dandy, but I suggest you do not do the same. Please join a club, or two. Despite never trying it myself, I am particularly fond of the act of carpet-weaving. 


  1. Conclusion 

So, in the end: What’s the best cure for love? I suggest you try to find out for yourself: and write back with which ones give you the most success. With that, I bid you adieu, and good luck with the midterms. You’re going to need it. Try to get some sleep. 


Happy Valentine’s Season!


References: 

Edward John Kenney. Ovid | Roman poet. In: Encyclopædia Britannica [Internet]. 2019. Available from: https://www.britannica.com/biography/Ovid-Roman-poet


Ovid (43 BC–17) - Remedia Amoris: Cures for Love [Internet]. www.poetryintranslation.com. Available from: https://www.poetryintranslation.com/PITBR/Latin/CuresforLove.php


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